HUMOUR

"The simple truth is that happy people generally don't get sick." Bernie Siegel, M.D.

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour"

Nursing Home Sex

Share with you -by Cocker

dated on 2nd June 2008

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
' Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? '
His father replied :
' Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine. '

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
' Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. '
The mother wrote back the next day :
' If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father ! '

Good luck, Mr. Gorky

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 28th May 2008

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'good luck, Mr. Gorky.' Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned N A as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorky... Statement meant, but N A always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay , Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to N A. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorky had died, so N A felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young N A heard Mrs. Gorky shouting at Mr. Gorky.

'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

True story.

A Bull Story

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

do you know me?

Share with you -by Y C

dated on 21st April 2008

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her & asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, & you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a 2-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, & he has a drinking problem.. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, & his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with 3different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench &, in a very quiet voice, said: 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Don't mess with old people

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house,' and he said 'no.' Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team , a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

Retirement Hobbies

Share with you -by Francis

dated on 2nd April 2008

Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire.

After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.........and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'

'You dirty old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'

To Place

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I'm doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That is right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' the woman said, 'you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'

'Yes,' she said. 'You're getting herpes - which is why I came here in the first place.'

Three Italian Nuns

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask

'Sara Pipalini;' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Faithful Wives

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Fri, 11th Jan 2008

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... *'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.*'"

I Love You

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.. "Be strong, honey. I love you, too

Parrot

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

My kid is the best

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Fri, 7th Dec 2007

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."

Italian Boys Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

God's Gift

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot. They ask why God hadn't given him anything.

Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"

Miss World Questions

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.................

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.........

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth.........

(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like night cats.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night.........

(Applause! Applause! Applause!

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft...............

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over

(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Wonder Years

Share with you -by R H

dated on Thu, 11th Nov 2007

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!

FIRST SURGERIES OF THE DAY

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year !."

Lawyer

Share with you -by R H

dated on Thu, 1st Nov 2007

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Nut

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

Good morning

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you moron?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!".

Mother's Wisdom

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Thu, 25th October 2007

During the course of dinner, Kumar's mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's housemate was and the mother was suspicious of a possible relationship between the two ...

Over the course of the evening while watching Kumar and Sunita interacted, the mother started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his housemate than met the eyes and this made the mother even more curious ...

Reading his mother's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates".

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner that night, I've been unable to find the silver plate.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote to his mother :

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house ...

I'm not saying that you did not take the silver plate ... But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner ...

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under her pillow ...

Love, Mom

Lawyer

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

Song of a Married Lady

He didn't like the curry And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't prepare the coffee right He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.

Isn't there anything I could do To match his mother's shoe

Then I smiled as I saw light One thing I could definitely do

I turned around and slapped him tight... Like his mother used to!

View in different perspective

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

Keep that smile on your face

Share with you -by Steve Lau

dated on Fri, 19th October 2007

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Now keep that smile on your face!!

Don't fool around with an old man

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Fri, 11th October 2007

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and had sex

with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world,

she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

Jokes

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Fri, 4th October 2007

Wife: "Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all our five kids with him."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Wife: "Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of them is yours."
_______________________________________________________________

Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
_______________________________________________________________

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
______________________________________________________________

WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: "GO TO HELL", that's why I came home early.
_______________________________________________________________

1st night grandma wore a see-thru dress, grandpa didn't react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said "what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!"
_______________________________________________________________

John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
J: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.
P: what did you gave her?
J: playing cards
________________________________________________________________

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
________________________________________________________________

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 16th August 2007

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your m other kiss you on the cheek."

Color

"When I born, I Black, When I grow up, I Black, When I go in Sun, I Black, When I scared, I Black, When I sick, I Black, And when I die, I still black...

And you White fellow, When you born, you pink, When you grow up, you White, When you go in Sun, you Red, When you cold, you blue, When you scared, you yellow, When you sick, you Green, And when you die, you Gray... And you call me coloured???......... "

Vacancy

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Sun, 24th July 2007

Job location : Tambaba Beach, Brazil

Interview fees : $1, 500.00

Salary : $ 600. 00/week

People needed : 3

APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,945

jokes

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her….”1st he kisses your cheek; then he’ll kiss your breasts, you’ll enjoy; than he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name”
Next day girl told Mom, “Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn’t allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family”

A white couple had a black baby….
The husband doesn’t believe that it’s his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: U hot, I hot, baby burnt..!

Wife: “Honey, what are you looking for?’
Husband: “Nothing.
Wife: “Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband:” I was looking for the expiry date!”

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son , considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!

Very Touching

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 16th July 2007

My court case has been set for the end of the month .

CATHOLIC PARROTS

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 12th July 2007

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" [][]

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, []

then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. [][]

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time." []

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. [][]

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. []

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" [][]

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. [][]

Our prayers have been answered!" []

Job Interview...gone wrong

Share with you -by T T

dated on Sun, 2nd July 2007

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Laws ... of Life by Newton

Some Important Laws that Newton forgot to state

LAW OF QUEUE:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:

People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

C E O

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How Much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"

Queen & Dragon slayer

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on Sun, 24 Jun 2007

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King ' s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen ' s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King ' s underwear, esp in the area nearest the arse. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

Free Sex

Share with you -by RH

dated on 22nd June 2007

Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his prize. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (6).

Sorry, no free sex this time, but better luck next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same guy, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up.

Again he asked for his reward with the purchase. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were really close, but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “Man, I think that game is “rigged”, and he don’t give away no free sex”.

His buddy replied, “Naw, it ain’t rigged — my wife won twice last week”.

Funeral

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own Funeral........ I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Marriage- Before and After

Share with you -by RH

dated on 15th June 2007

Before the marriage

She : Do you want me to leave ?

He : NO ! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me ?

He : Of course !

She : Have you ever cheated on m e?

He : NO! Why you even ask ?

She : Will you kiss me ?

He : Yes !

She : Will you hit me ?

He : No way ! I'm not such kind of person !

She : Can I trust you ?

After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top

Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by xBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

MilitaryTitbits

Share with you -by RH

dated on 3rd June 2007

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, " Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant , United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

----------------------------------------------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

----------------------------------------------------------------

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

---------------------------------------------------------------- I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE!!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.

I Was Looking for Sex

Share with you -by CMP

dated on 26th May 2007

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Fishing Trip

We're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did.

They're in your fishing box.....

Chinese detective

A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.

Like your thoughts

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 25th May 2007

Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

"Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you hit one with your catapult, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Muthu, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,

one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... the one sucking the cone ?"

"No teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking too !"

The Stranger on the plane

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Long Hour

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Italian Girl

Share with you -by R H

dated on 18th May 2007

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl".

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Moral of the story :
Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent than you can imagine !

Water vs Wine

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

A+ Student

Share with you -by P A

dated on 1st May 2007

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A few definitions for the modern era!

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together!

Night Courses

Share with you -by R H

dated on 27th April 2007

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example,do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again: John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife.... If you stop night courses, you would know this !!!

A LAWYER TO LOVE

Share with you -by SundayLim

dated on 17th April 2007

Only in Louisiana
- you have to love this lawyer
- It's too good not to share!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual Letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Coincidence

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Wrong Way

A SENIOR CITIZEN WAS DRIVING HIS BONESHAKER ON THE FREEWAY . SUDDENLY HIS CAR PHONE RANG. IT WAS HIS WIFE 'S VOICE URGENTLY WARNING HIM . '' ABNER I JUST HEARD ON THE RADIO THAT THERE 'S A CAR GOING THE WRONG WAY ON INTERSTATE 77 . PLEASE BE CAREFUL " " ARE YOU SURE ? " REPLIED ABNER . " IT ' S NOT JUST ONE CAR BUT THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM ! "

Classic Insults... Enjoy

Share with you -by T T

dated on 19th Mar 2007

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

The Nun at Hooters

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she, proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?

Cowboy boots

Share with you -by R H

dated on 16th Mar 2007

Cowboy boots

He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

Margaret replies, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Talking Clock.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yeah," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the other friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch this," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole... it's 3:15 in the morning!! "

BRAVO to the Seniors!!!!!!

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"

the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer. "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding... YeeeeHa

Taking a Woman to Bed

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Case of the Century

Prostitute: (replies while wiping her tears) "When the cheque bounced!!!!

Case closed

Blondes

Share with you -by E C

dated on 3rd Mar 2007

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice rolled to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" Another answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Vaseline

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Consultants

Share with you -by Oil Rig

dated on 12th Feb 2007

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained : "The restaurant's owners hired A Consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
WOW!

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

joke

Share with you -by Oil Rig

dated on 9th Feb 2007

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember ! when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

Wife : #@%*&@%#!!!

What is worse??

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

American history...

Here is a funny joke about an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of this voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

The priest and the hairdryer

Share with you -by GM

dated on 15th Jan 2007

"Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused ."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"

Husband/Wife

"To my dear wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you at 54 years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table:

"My dear husband:

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation... although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 into 18... And therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow !

Nun

99 nuns gasped, but 1 giggled

"And' the head nun continued "There was a condom in them"

99 nuns gasped, 1 giggled

"And!" the nun went on "the condom had a hole in it!!!"

99 nuns giggled, and 1 gasped

Parrot

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Blindman

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

8th grade Biology Class

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework ; and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

U. S. Marines, always do the wrong thing

Share with you -by GM

dated on 9th Jan 2007

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also quite arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Paying by Kisses

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some
other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balan ce of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

Once upon a time-------

Share with you -by Sunday H3 Lim

dated on 24th Dec 2006

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable handsome guys. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents, Mr & Mrs Ngo were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ngo told them,"Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ngo got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ngo. The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY". Mr & Mrs Ngo were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Mr & Mrs Ngo jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngos became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read but Mrs Ngo managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Why Singapore Airlines?

Mr Ngo rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs Ngo grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.

The motto was ... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

laughters

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?

B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours??

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What ab out yours?

1st: Forget mine. Let’s find yours!!

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints...

Finally a male dumb blond joke

Share with you -by Oil Rig Lim

dated on 20th Dec 2006

The first man said, " I tell you,my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat just because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife sounds thicker. " Just last week she went to spend $1700 on a new car," he laments," and she does not even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male nods sagely and agrees those two women sound like they have gone through the stupid forest and got hit by every stupid branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is the dumbest of all. " I have to laugh whenever I think of it." he chuckles. " Last week, my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have at least taken 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis."

All about wives, said by some of the great men

Share with you -by R H

dated on 15th Dec 2006

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Queue

Share with you -by Oil Rig Lim

dated on 7th Dec 2006

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man an! swered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog ?" The man replied "Please join the queue..."

Wife

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
‘‘Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
"Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.''

Crew Humour

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
+++

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
+++

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
+++

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
+++

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
+++

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
+++

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
--

Three Minute Management course

Share with you -by Steve Lau

dated on 5th Dec 2006

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me ?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time , you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way..

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well infor med in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie co me s out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say .

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on so me of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating so me more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

The Expert

Share with you -by Sunday H3 Lim

dated on 1st Dec 2006

Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit".

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit".

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long".

Fred laughed. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure".

The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck".

Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Son, I've been in the business 60 years".

Fred tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Fred thought for a moment and said, "Sure".

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36".

Fred laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

After examining and giving the old man a clean bill of health, he asks the husband if sex is still good, and if he has any questions.

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly?"

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"

GOOD ANSWER!

Discussion On Phone Bills

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: Hi this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our workplace telephones.

Smart Farmer

A farmer's car and a lawyer's crashed to each other. The lawyer arrogantly handed his name card to the farmer.The farmer turned back to his car and got out a bottle od whisky.

" Come on, you got a terrible shock. Please have a whisky to calm down!" offered by the farmer.

The lawyer sipped a pack of the whisky. " you looked terrible, have another pack, ok?" said the farmer.

After much pestering, the lawyer drank down five or six packs of whisky.

" Come, you also have some whisky!" said the lawyer.

" Oh no, I am waiting for the police." replied by the farmer.

Can you construct a sentence using 1 to 10?

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 4th Oct 2006

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know 1.

Office Romance

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 28th Sept 2006

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfrie