HUMOUR

"The simple truth is that happy people generally don't get sick." Bernie Siegel, M.D.

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour"

Nursing Home Sex

Share with you -by Cocker

dated on 2nd June 2008

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
' Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? '
His father replied :
' Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine. '

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
' Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. '
The mother wrote back the next day :
' If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father ! '

Good luck, Mr. Gorky

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 28th May 2008

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'good luck, Mr. Gorky.' Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned N A as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorky... Statement meant, but N A always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay , Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to N A. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorky had died, so N A felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young N A heard Mrs. Gorky shouting at Mr. Gorky.

'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

True story.

A Bull Story

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

do you know me?

Share with you -by Y C

dated on 21st April 2008

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her & asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, & you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a 2-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, & he has a drinking problem.. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, & his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with 3different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench &, in a very quiet voice, said: 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Don't mess with old people

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house,' and he said 'no.' Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team , a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

Retirement Hobbies

Share with you -by Francis

dated on 2nd April 2008

Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire.

After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.........and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'

'You dirty old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'

To Place

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I'm doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That is right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' the woman said, 'you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'

'Yes,' she said. 'You're getting herpes - which is why I came here in the first place.'

Three Italian Nuns

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask

'Sara Pipalini;' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Faithful Wives

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Fri, 11th Jan 2008

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... *'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.*'"

I Love You

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.. "Be strong, honey. I love you, too

Parrot

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

My kid is the best

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Fri, 7th Dec 2007

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."

Italian Boys Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

God's Gift

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot. They ask why God hadn't given him anything.

Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"

Miss World Questions

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.................

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.........

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth.........

(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like night cats.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night.........

(Applause! Applause! Applause!

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft...............

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over

(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Wonder Years

Share with you -by R H

dated on Thu, 11th Nov 2007

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!

FIRST SURGERIES OF THE DAY

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year !."

Lawyer

Share with you -by R H

dated on Thu, 1st Nov 2007

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Nut

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

Good morning

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you moron?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!".

Mother's Wisdom

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Thu, 25th October 2007

During the course of dinner, Kumar's mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's housemate was and the mother was suspicious of a possible relationship between the two ...

Over the course of the evening while watching Kumar and Sunita interacted, the mother started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his housemate than met the eyes and this made the mother even more curious ...

Reading his mother's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates".

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner that night, I've been unable to find the silver plate.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote to his mother :

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house ...

I'm not saying that you did not take the silver plate ... But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner ...

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under her pillow ...

Love, Mom

Lawyer

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

Song of a Married Lady

He didn't like the curry And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't prepare the coffee right He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.

Isn't there anything I could do To match his mother's shoe

Then I smiled as I saw light One thing I could definitely do

I turned around and slapped him tight... Like his mother used to!

View in different perspective

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

Keep that smile on your face

Share with you -by Steve Lau

dated on Fri, 19th October 2007

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Now keep that smile on your face!!

Don't fool around with an old man

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Fri, 11th October 2007

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and had sex

with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world,

she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

Jokes

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on Fri, 4th October 2007

Wife: "Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all our five kids with him."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Wife: "Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of them is yours."
_______________________________________________________________

Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
_______________________________________________________________

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
______________________________________________________________

WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: "GO TO HELL", that's why I came home early.
_______________________________________________________________

1st night grandma wore a see-thru dress, grandpa didn't react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said "what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!"
_______________________________________________________________

John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
J: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.
P: what did you gave her?
J: playing cards
________________________________________________________________

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
________________________________________________________________

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 16th August 2007

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your m other kiss you on the cheek."

Color

"When I born, I Black, When I grow up, I Black, When I go in Sun, I Black, When I scared, I Black, When I sick, I Black, And when I die, I still black...

And you White fellow, When you born, you pink, When you grow up, you White, When you go in Sun, you Red, When you cold, you blue, When you scared, you yellow, When you sick, you Green, And when you die, you Gray... And you call me coloured???......... "

Vacancy

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on Sun, 24th July 2007

Job location : Tambaba Beach, Brazil

Interview fees : $1, 500.00

Salary : $ 600. 00/week

People needed : 3

APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,945

jokes

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her….”1st he kisses your cheek; then he’ll kiss your breasts, you’ll enjoy; than he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name”
Next day girl told Mom, “Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn’t allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family”

A white couple had a black baby….
The husband doesn’t believe that it’s his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: U hot, I hot, baby burnt..!

Wife: “Honey, what are you looking for?’
Husband: “Nothing.
Wife: “Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband:” I was looking for the expiry date!”

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son , considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!

Very Touching

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 16th July 2007

My court case has been set for the end of the month .

CATHOLIC PARROTS

Share with you -by R H

dated on Sun, 12th July 2007

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" [][]

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, []

then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. [][]

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time." []

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. [][]

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. []

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" [][]

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. [][]

Our prayers have been answered!" []

Job Interview...gone wrong

Share with you -by T T

dated on Sun, 2nd July 2007

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Laws ... of Life by Newton

Some Important Laws that Newton forgot to state

LAW OF QUEUE:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:

People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

C E O

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How Much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"

Queen & Dragon slayer

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on Sun, 24 Jun 2007

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King ' s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen ' s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King ' s underwear, esp in the area nearest the arse. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

Free Sex

Share with you -by RH

dated on 22nd June 2007

Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his prize. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (6).

Sorry, no free sex this time, but better luck next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same guy, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up.

Again he asked for his reward with the purchase. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were really close, but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “Man, I think that game is “rigged”, and he don’t give away no free sex”.

His buddy replied, “Naw, it ain’t rigged — my wife won twice last week”.

Funeral

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own Funeral........ I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Marriage- Before and After

Share with you -by RH

dated on 15th June 2007

Before the marriage

She : Do you want me to leave ?

He : NO ! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me ?

He : Of course !

She : Have you ever cheated on m e?

He : NO! Why you even ask ?

She : Will you kiss me ?

He : Yes !

She : Will you hit me ?

He : No way ! I'm not such kind of person !

She : Can I trust you ?

After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top

Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by xBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

MilitaryTitbits

Share with you -by RH

dated on 3rd June 2007

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, " Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant , United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

----------------------------------------------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

----------------------------------------------------------------

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

---------------------------------------------------------------- I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE!!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.

I Was Looking for Sex

Share with you -by CMP

dated on 26th May 2007

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Fishing Trip

We're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did.

They're in your fishing box.....

Chinese detective

A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.

Like your thoughts

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 25th May 2007

Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

"Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you hit one with your catapult, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Muthu, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,

one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... the one sucking the cone ?"

"No teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking too !"

The Stranger on the plane

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Long Hour

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Italian Girl

Share with you -by R H

dated on 18th May 2007

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl".

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Moral of the story :
Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent than you can imagine !

Water vs Wine

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

A+ Student

Share with you -by P A

dated on 1st May 2007

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A few definitions for the modern era!

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together!

Night Courses

Share with you -by R H

dated on 27th April 2007

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example,do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again: John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife.... If you stop night courses, you would know this !!!

A LAWYER TO LOVE

Share with you -by SundayLim

dated on 17th April 2007

Only in Louisiana
- you have to love this lawyer
- It's too good not to share!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual Letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Coincidence

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Wrong Way

A SENIOR CITIZEN WAS DRIVING HIS BONESHAKER ON THE FREEWAY . SUDDENLY HIS CAR PHONE RANG. IT WAS HIS WIFE 'S VOICE URGENTLY WARNING HIM . '' ABNER I JUST HEARD ON THE RADIO THAT THERE 'S A CAR GOING THE WRONG WAY ON INTERSTATE 77 . PLEASE BE CAREFUL " " ARE YOU SURE ? " REPLIED ABNER . " IT ' S NOT JUST ONE CAR BUT THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM ! "

Classic Insults... Enjoy

Share with you -by T T

dated on 19th Mar 2007

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

The Nun at Hooters

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she, proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?

Cowboy boots

Share with you -by R H

dated on 16th Mar 2007

Cowboy boots

He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

Margaret replies, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Talking Clock.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yeah," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the other friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch this," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole... it's 3:15 in the morning!! "

BRAVO to the Seniors!!!!!!

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"

the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer. "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding... YeeeeHa

Taking a Woman to Bed

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Case of the Century

Prostitute: (replies while wiping her tears) "When the cheque bounced!!!!

Case closed

Blondes

Share with you -by E C

dated on 3rd Mar 2007

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice rolled to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" Another answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Vaseline

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Consultants

Share with you -by Oil Rig

dated on 12th Feb 2007

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained : "The restaurant's owners hired A Consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
WOW!

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

joke

Share with you -by Oil Rig

dated on 9th Feb 2007

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember ! when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

Wife : #@%*&@%#!!!

What is worse??

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

American history...

Here is a funny joke about an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of this voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

The priest and the hairdryer

Share with you -by GM

dated on 15th Jan 2007

"Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused ."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"

Husband/Wife

"To my dear wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you at 54 years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table:

"My dear husband:

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation... although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 into 18... And therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow !

Nun

99 nuns gasped, but 1 giggled

"And' the head nun continued "There was a condom in them"

99 nuns gasped, 1 giggled

"And!" the nun went on "the condom had a hole in it!!!"

99 nuns giggled, and 1 gasped

Parrot

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Blindman

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

8th grade Biology Class

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework ; and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

U. S. Marines, always do the wrong thing

Share with you -by GM

dated on 9th Jan 2007

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also quite arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Paying by Kisses

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some
other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balan ce of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

Once upon a time-------

Share with you -by Sunday H3 Lim

dated on 24th Dec 2006

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable handsome guys. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents, Mr & Mrs Ngo were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ngo told them,"Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ngo got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ngo. The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY". Mr & Mrs Ngo were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Mr & Mrs Ngo jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngos became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read but Mrs Ngo managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Why Singapore Airlines?

Mr Ngo rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs Ngo grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.

The motto was ... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

laughters

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?

B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours??

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What ab out yours?

1st: Forget mine. Let’s find yours!!

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints...

Finally a male dumb blond joke

Share with you -by Oil Rig Lim

dated on 20th Dec 2006

The first man said, " I tell you,my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat just because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife sounds thicker. " Just last week she went to spend $1700 on a new car," he laments," and she does not even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male nods sagely and agrees those two women sound like they have gone through the stupid forest and got hit by every stupid branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is the dumbest of all. " I have to laugh whenever I think of it." he chuckles. " Last week, my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have at least taken 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis."

All about wives, said by some of the great men

Share with you -by R H

dated on 15th Dec 2006

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Queue

Share with you -by Oil Rig Lim

dated on 7th Dec 2006

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man an! swered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog ?" The man replied "Please join the queue..."

Wife

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
‘‘Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
"Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.''

Crew Humour

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
+++

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
+++

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
+++

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
+++

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
+++

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
+++

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
--

Three Minute Management course

Share with you -by Steve Lau

dated on 5th Dec 2006

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me ?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time , you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way..

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well infor med in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie co me s out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say .

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on so me of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating so me more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

The Expert

Share with you -by Sunday H3 Lim

dated on 1st Dec 2006

Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit".

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit".

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long".

Fred laughed. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure".

The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck".

Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Son, I've been in the business 60 years".

Fred tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Fred thought for a moment and said, "Sure".

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36".

Fred laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

After examining and giving the old man a clean bill of health, he asks the husband if sex is still good, and if he has any questions.

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly?"

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"

GOOD ANSWER!

Discussion On Phone Bills

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: Hi this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our workplace telephones.

Smart Farmer

A farmer's car and a lawyer's crashed to each other. The lawyer arrogantly handed his name card to the farmer.The farmer turned back to his car and got out a bottle od whisky.

" Come on, you got a terrible shock. Please have a whisky to calm down!" offered by the farmer.

The lawyer sipped a pack of the whisky. " you looked terrible, have another pack, ok?" said the farmer.

After much pestering, the lawyer drank down five or six packs of whisky.

" Come, you also have some whisky!" said the lawyer.

" Oh no, I am waiting for the police." replied by the farmer.

Can you construct a sentence using 1 to 10?

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 4th Oct 2006

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know 1.

Office Romance

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 28th Sept 2006

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Just for fun

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 21st Sept 2006

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

9. Next was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realised there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement and found that I’m perfect for the job.

Biz humor

Share with you -by Inpaq Tech

dated on 13th Sept 2006

Driver, a young man in Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly many cattle you have in your herd, will you give one?

Farmer looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, looked at his herd, and calmly answered, ''Sure''

Yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone. Then surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. Sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer, then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 cattle here."

"That is correct; take one of them," said the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the smaller animals and bundle it into his car. Then the farmer says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"You must be a consultant," said the farmer.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the farmer. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know shit about my business! Now give me back my dog."

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?(anyone)
Operator :Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller:No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator:You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller:I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator:I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller:Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan ( no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator:Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller:You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator:I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

PHILOSOPHY

Share with you -by Antonio

dated on 8th Sept 2006

Keep this story in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the "Triple Filter Test".

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really...."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

Ah Beng Looking For Wife

Share with you -by Marion

dated on 6th Sept 2006

Woe-men

Share with you -by Pecker

dated on 30th Aug 2006

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? you've been reading our marriage certificate for An hour ??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

Church Bells for Grandma

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were 'making out' on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old 'making out' would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued: "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Overly Enthusiastic Salesman

Share with you -by Inpaq Tech

dated on 24th Aug 2006

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

Ouch! A true story.

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out from his deckchair, and found his testicles had become stuck between tow slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down, they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to normal size.He was free after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

Mistaken Assumption

Share with you -by R H

dated on 17th Aug 2006

Mistaken Assumption

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end.

A letter from a redneck mom to her son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

The Quick Thinker

Walking into the back room, the boy approached the manager.

"Some old ba$tard wants to buy half a head of lettuce", he said.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added," and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called the boy to his office.

"Although I can't condone the way you referred to that customer earlier, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

"Sir, there's nothing but wh0res and rugby players there," the boy replied.

"Really?" replied the manager "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "What team did she play for?"

What surgeons think about politicians

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 9th Aug 2006

*The first surgeon says:*

"I like to see *accountants* on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

*The second responds: *

"Yeah, but you should try *electricians*! Everything inside them is color coded."

*The third surgeon says:*

"No, I really think *librarians* are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

*The fourth surgeon chimes in:*

"You know, I like *construction workers*…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*

"You're all wrong. *Politicians* are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

English is a crazy language

Share with you -by R H

dated on 2nd Aug 2006

________________________________________________________________________________

FOUR ALL WHO REED (READ) AND RIGHT(Write)

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it! - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOT KNOWN?

"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man" ....(Friedrich Nietzsche)

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

Dilemma

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 24th July 2006

Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little...thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more...and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist...and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic...and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you....but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Take a break. Hahahaha..!!!!!!!!!!

Share with you -by R H

dated on 14th July 2006

2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone
rings! "YES".. OK, BYE". She turns to her lover and
says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN..

5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any
time. Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten
frequently. WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's
nothing to eat.!!!

6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts
her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER. She replied: I
RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

7. Yesterday news - A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was
raped by 4 guys. Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns
found jogging at the park.

Airplanes Humors

Share with you -by E C

dated on 11th July 2006

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride"

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no! Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Jokes

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 30th June 2006

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."

Subject: Lost Puppy - pls see attachment.

Subject: 50th Wedding Anniversary

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

The two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.

" I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."* *

THIS IS KIND OF LONG BUT VERY MUCH WORTH READING ESPECIALLY ALL THE MEN .

A Classic...............

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited!! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled.

"WHAT???!!!"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

Best Doctor's Advice

Share with you -by Sunday Lim

dated on 19th June 2006

OOOOOPS!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

WHAT IS MARRIAGE??? Think Again !! Its not FUN all the time !!

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway Lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

THE SOLDIER AND THE NUN STORY

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq ." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Chinese Courier Service

Have a good laugh with this Chinese delivery! An innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx !!! Enjoy Reading.....

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was >sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ahma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins. let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too............

Impact of job change

Share with you -by Au Kiat

dated on 2nd June 2006

impact of job change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years............

Advices

Share with you -by A T

dated on 19th May 2006

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf .

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Golfing

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

Once in a life time

Share with you -by MH3

dated on 26th April 2006

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
> > his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted:
> >
> > "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
> > hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
> > The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
> > approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 45
> > degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
> >
> > "You must be in Information technology," said the balloonist.
> >
> > "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "
> > Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
> > correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information,
> > and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all. If
> > anything, you've delayed my trip."
> >
> > The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
> >
> > "I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
> > "Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
> > going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
> > air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
> > expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is
> > you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow,
> > it's my fault.

Sent: Saturday, January 29, 2005 10:29 AM
Subject: Fwd: A lesson from a Sermon


>
> A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to 
his 
> Sunday sermon.
>
> He put four worms into four separate jars.
>
> The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
> The third worm was put into a jar of semen.
> The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
>
> At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following 
> results:
>
> The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
> Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead
> Third worm in semen -- dead.
> Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
>
> The minister asked the congregation --
>
> "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
> A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said;
> "As long as  you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
>  AMEN!!!
>
> 

>
>
>>
>>                            LESSONS IN LOGIC
>>
>>
>>                         If your father is a poor man,
>>                              it is your fate but,
>>                      if your father-in-law is a poor man,
>>                              it's your stupidity.
>>
>>          
............................................................
>>
>>                            I was born intelligent -
>>                             education ruined me.
>>
>>      
...................................................................
>>
>>
>>                          Practice makes perfect.....
>>                           But nobody's perfect......
>>                                so why practice?
>>
>>        .............................................................
>>
>>
>>                 If it's true that we are here to help others,
>>                   then what exactly are the others here for?
>>
>>       
..................................................................
>>
>>
>>                     Since light travels faster than sound,
>>                people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>>
>>        
................................................................
>>
>>
>>                  How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>>
>>       ..... 
............................................................
>>
>>
>>                            Money is not everything.
>>                           There's Mastercard & Visa.
>>
>>       
.................................................................
>>
>>
>>                            One should love animals.
>>                               They are so tasty.
>>
>>        
................................................................
>>
>>
>>                 Behind every successful man, there is a woman
>>               And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
>>
>>       
..................................................................
>>
>>                             Every man should marry.
>>                 After all, happiness is not the only thing in
>>                                     life.
>>
>>          ...........................................................
>>
>>
>>                             The wise never marry.
>>                 and when they marry they become otherwise.
>>
>>          
............................................................
>>
>>
>>                          Success is a relative term.
>>                          It brings so many relatives.
>>
>>          
............................................................
>>
>>
>>                      Never put off the work till tomorrow
>>                          what you can put off today.
>>
>>        
................................................................
>>
>>
>>                      "Your future depends on your dreams"
>>                                 So go to sleep
>>
>>       
.................................................................
>>
>>
>>                  There should be a better way to start a day
>>                          Than waking up every morning
>>
>>        
...............................................................
>>
>>
>>                        "Hard work never killed anybody"
>>                             But why take the risk
>>
>>       
..................................................................
>>
>>
>>                              "Work fascinates me"
>>                           I can look at it for hours
>>
>>       
.................................................................
>>
>>                               God made relatives;
>>                      Thank God we can choose our friends.
>>
>>         
..............................................................
>>
>>
>>                     The more you learn, the more you know,
>>                     The more you know, the more you forget
>>                     The more you forget, the less you know
>>                                So.. why learn.
>>
>>
>>         ......... 
...................................................
>>
>>                      A bus station is where a bus stops.
>>
>>                    A train station is where a train stops.
>>
>>                    On my desk, I have a work station....
>
>>                          what more can I say........
>


Communication 101 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 28-01-05
				
					

	

>>Communication 101
>>
>>A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
>>this huge black guy standing next to him.  The big guy sees the 
little
>>guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
>>inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner
>>Brown."  The white man faints and falls to the floor.  The big guy
>>kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.  The big guy says, 
"What's
>>wrong with you?"
>>In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to 
me?"
>>
>>The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give
>>you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.  I'm 7 feet
>>tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
>>weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
>>Turner Brown."
>>
>>The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!... Whew, Thank God! I thought you
>>said  "Turn around!"
>



African Roulette 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 20-01-05
The ambassador of a small African nation 
chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian 
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and 
generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the 
Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you 
to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this 
gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the 
trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he 
was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both 
men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both 
ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much 
impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before 
the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African 
ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his 
stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, 
"Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led 
the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked 
women.

The African ambassador said, "These 
women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will 
give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to 
this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, 
"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the 
danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African 
ambassador answered:

"One of them is a 
cannibal."

From: Au 
Kait 
Sent: Wednesday, January 19, 2005 12:05 PM
Subject: Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See


Jesus 
loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an 
ass.


  


  
Impotence...Nature's way of 
  saying "No hard feelings,"

  


  
The proctologist 
  called
...they found your head.

  


  
Everyone has a 
  photographic memory
...some just don't have any 
  film.

  


  
Save your 
  breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

  


  
Your ridiculous 
  little 
opinion has been noted.

  


  
I used to 
  have a handle 
on life...but it broke off.

  


  
WANTED: Meaningful 
  
overnight relationship.

  


  
Guys...just because you have one, 
  
doesn't mean you have to be one.

  


  
Some people just don't 
  know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But 
  Me,"

  


  
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating 
  His animal friends.

  


  
Don't 
  like my driving? 
Then quit watching me.

  


  
If you can read this...I can 
slam on my brakes and 
  sue you.

  


  
Some people are only alive 
  because it is illegal to shoot them.

  


  
Try not to let your mind 
  wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by 
  itself.

  


  
Hang up and 
  drive!!

  


And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To 
  See!! 

  
Welcome to 
  America
...now speak English


stories 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 14-01-05
1.


 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. So they 
loaded up jack's
mini-van and headed north.After driving for a few hours, 
they got caught
 in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby 
farm and asked the
 attractive lady who answered the door if they could 
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have 
this huge house
 all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she 
explained. "I'm afraid the
 neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my 
house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. 
And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, 
and
 the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the 
night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their 
way.

 They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine 
months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
 attorney. It took 
him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
 determined that it 
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
 met on the ski 
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember 
that
 good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday 
up
 North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did 
you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to 
the
 house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a 
little embarrassed about being found out.
 "I have to admit that I 
did."

"And did you happen to use my name, Jack,  instead of telling 
her your name,
Bob?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, 
look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She 
just died and left me everything."

 


2.


>Subject: Marriage.
>
>*********************************
>Marriage - (Part I)
>
>A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady and after the
>wedding, he laid down the following rules:
>
>"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
>expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
>unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
>fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
>don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
>comments?"
>
>His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
>will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .........whether you're
>here or not."
>
>
>********************************
>Marriage (Part II)
>
>Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
>anniversary!
>
>The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
>reads:
>"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
>
>"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
>reads:
>"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
>
>
>********************************
>Marriage (Part III)
>
>Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
>table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
>either," and storms out of the house.
>
>After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
>rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
>husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
>
>She says, "I was in bed."
>
>"In bed this early, doing what?"
>
>"Getting a second opinion!"
>
>
>***********************************
>Marriage (Part IV)
>
>A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
>proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
>spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides
>that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
>leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
>'Mother of Six?'
>
>His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
>back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
>
>
>**************************************
>Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
>
>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
>each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
>next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
>morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
>silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
>5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
>
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
>he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
>wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
>The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>
>
>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created
>man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
>masterpiece.
>
>SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
>HANDLE IT.
>




					
3.


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
 

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,  sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on  cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs  calibrating."  Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now  don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't  have cruise control."  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks  over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep  your mouth shut for once?"


 The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be  thankful your radar detector went off when it did."  As the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his  wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"  The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're  not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic  $75 fine." The driver says,   "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it  off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your  seat belt when you're driving."  And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 

"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to  you this way, Ma'am?"


 I love this part....


 

 

 

 

 "Only when he's been drinking." 








Mis communication 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 04-01-05

 >Always make sure you get things done right.


> 

>The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided
to use a 

>surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father  was 

>to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off; the  man 

>should be here soon". 

> 

>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby  photographer 

>rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning
madam. I've  come 

>to......" 

> 

>"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs.
Smith cut in.  "Really?" the 

>photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty
is  babies."  "That's what 

>my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
 a seat." After a 

>moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
 start?" 

> 

>Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually
try two in the 

>bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on
the bed.  Sometimes 

>the living room floor is fun too....you can really
spread out!" 

> 

>Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't 

>work for Harry and me." 

> 

>Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee
a good one  every 

>time. But if we try several different positions, and
I shoot  from  six 

>or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results." 

> 

>Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of action"


> 

>Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a
man must take his  time. 

>I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
be  disappointed 

>with  that, I'm sure." 

> 

>Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."  The
photographer opened his 

>briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of  his


>baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus." Wife - "Oh my god!!" 

> 

>Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally
well, when you 

>consider their mother was so difficult to work with."


> 

>Wife - "She was difficult ?" 

> 

>Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally
had to take her to the 

>park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and 

>five deep, pushing to get a good look." 

> 

>Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened
in amazement). 

> 

>Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three
hours, too. The mother was 

>constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate! Then 

>darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the 

>squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
it all in." 

> 

>Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually
chewed on your 

>errrm..........equipment?" 

> 

>Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if
you're ready, I'll set up 

>my tripod so that we can get to work" 

> 

>Wife - "Tripod?? 

> 

>Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod
to rest my Canon on. It's 

>much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?......Madam.....?


> 

>Good Lord, she's fainted!!" 


Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2005 11:15 AM
Subject: Some jokes to refresh your day
From: "Au Kait"
 




Two 
rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to 
the other 
one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't believe me 

I'll show you." He called his driver Sam over and said, "Sam, here is a $10 

note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes". 
To which Sam 
replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and rushed off to The Showroom . 
The 
rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." 

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, 
I will 
show you stupid." And he called his driver, Jo. 
"Jo, go home now and check 
to see if I'm at home. " 
To which Jo said, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and 
ran home. 
"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know 

that I cannot be at home if I am here." 
Later on, the two drivers met on 
the road. 
Sam said to Jo, "Eh, you know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave 

me $10 and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... 

Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!" 
Jo 
replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked 
me to 
go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can 
just call up 
to check lah, bodoh!!!" 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
** CAR ** 

Jo and 
Sam excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which 
was in the ignition. Realising the mistake, Jo asked, 
'Why don't we get a coat 
hanger to open it.' 
'No, that won't work' answered Sam. 'People will think 
we're trying to break in.' 
Then Jo suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife 
to cut around the rubber, 
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?' 

'No,' said Sam. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat hanger.' 

Then Jo shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain 
and the sunroof is open!' 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

PIZZA 
Sam ordered a pizza and the 
waitress asked if he should cut it in six 
or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I 
could never eat twelve pieces." 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

DEAD BIRD 
"Oh, look at the dead 
bird." Sam looked skyward and said "Where, Where got?" 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Not My Brother ! 

A 
pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 
Asleep 
for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no Longer pregnant. 

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, 
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. 
The babies are fine. Your brother 
came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother 
-- he's an idiot!" 
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's 
the girl's name?" 
"Denise," the doctor says. 
The new mother thinks, 
"Wow, that's not a bad name! 
Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like 
Denise!" 
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 
The doctor 
replies, DeNephew. 


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


Italian ... 
To impress his date, the 
young man took her to a very chic Italian 
restaurant. After sipping some 
fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. 
"We'll have the Giuseppe 
Spomdalucci," he said. 
"Sorry, sir," said the ;waiter. "That"s the 
owner." 








The Explanation 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 22-12-04


>Sheila 
  comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, 
  
>in
>bed with a woman.
>Sheila exclaims: "That's it, I'm 
  leaving and never coming back!"
>Mark asks: "Don't you at least want to 
  hear my explanation?"
>Sheila shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your 
  story."
>Mark says, "I'm driving along the street when I see this young 
  lady in torn
>clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on 
  her and asked if 
>she
>would like to get cleaned up in my house. 
  She climbed into my truck and I
>brought her home. She took a shower, I 
  gave her the underwear that doesn't
>fit you anymore, the blouse I 
  bought you two years ago that you never wore,
>the Nike running shoes 
  you bought but never used - I even gave her some of
>the roast beef you 
  had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me. "Then I 
>showed
>her 
  to the door. She thanked me profusely. But, as she was about to 
  leave
>she turned around and asked me, Is there anything else your wife 
  doesn't 
  
>use
>anymore?'"





 Best Salesman 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 17-12-04
 

  


  
Best Sales

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes 
  to a big department store looking for a
job. The manager asks, "Do you have 
  any sales experience?" The Indian says,
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home". 
  Well, the manager liked the young man,
so he gave him the job. You start 
  tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did, but let me 
  give you a bit of advice. If a customer
comes looking, say, for toothpaste, 
  you might suggest for him a toothbrush,
or shavingcream etc. you get the 
  idea?"

"Of course," the young man said.His first day on the job was 
  rough but he
got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager 
  came down.

"How many sales did you make today?

The Indian says, 
  "One"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people avg 20 30 
  sales/day.

"How much was the sale for?"

The Indian says, 
  "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you 
  sell him?"

The Indian, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I 
  sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I 
  sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, 
  and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, 
  so we went down to the boat
department, and I sold him that twin engine 
  Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so 
  I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 
  Pajero."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish 
  hook and you
sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Indian says, "No, no, 
  no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his
wife and I said, "Well, 
  since your weekend's already screwed up you might
as well go 
  fishing."






 Ghosts 
contributed by Au Kiat
dated on 1-12-04

A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a

lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many

people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.


"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who

believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever

seen a ghost?"


About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this

seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched

a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. 


But let me ask you one question further...Have any of

you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student way in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses,

takes a step back,

and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this

lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a

ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about

your experience."


The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and

begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles

slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well,

tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."


The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way

back there I thought you said "goats."






>Subject: Fwd: FW: RE: DUB YA
>Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 10:56:22 +0800
>>
>
>> >Subject: DUB YA
> >
> > >When George went to the social security office to apply for Social
> > >Security, the woman behind the counter asked him for his Driver's
> >License
> > >to verify his age.
> > >George looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet 
at
> >home.
> > >He told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left 
my
> >wallet
> > >at home! I will have to go home and come back later. The woman 
says,
> > >"Unbutton your shirt!" So George opened his shirt revealing his 
curly
> >grey
> > >hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough 
for
> >me,"
> > >and she processed his Social Security application.
> > >When George got home, he excitedly told Laura about his experience 
at
> >the
> > >social security office. Laura says, "You should have dropped your
> >pants.
> > >You might have gotten disability too".



> Corporate Lesson #1
> 
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
> her shower when the doorbell rings.  After a few seconds of arguing 
over
> which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, 
quickly
> wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
> neighbour.
> Before she says a word, Bob says: "I'll give you $800.  to drop
> that towel that you have on."
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
> stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
> dollars and leaves.
> Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
> back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets back to 
the
> bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "who was that?"
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.  "Great!" the
> husband says.
> "Did he say anything about the $800.  he owes me?"
> 
> Moral of the story:  If you share critical information
> pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may 
be
> in a position to prevent 
> 
> 
> Corporate Lesson #2 
> 
> A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
> road.  He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted.  She 
got
> in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
> leg.
> The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.  After
> controlling the car he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun
> looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
> The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.  He forced
> himself to remove his hand.  Changing gear, he let his hand slide up 
her
> leg again.
> The nun once again said:"Father, remember Psalm 129?  Once again
> the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
> Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful
> glance and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest
> rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.  It said, "Go 
forth
> and seek, further up, you will find glory."
> 
> Moral of the story:  If you are not well informed in your job,
> you might miss a great opportunity.
> 
> 
> Corporate Lesson #3 
> 
> A sales rep, and administration clerk and the manager are walking
> to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie
> comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, "I usually only grant
> three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
> "Me first!  Me first!" says the admin.  clerk.  "I want to be in
> the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  
Poof!
> She's gone.
> In astonishment, "Me next, Me next!" says the sales re.  "I want
> to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and
> endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life."  Poof!  He's
> gone.
> "Ok, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.  The manager
> says, "I want those two  back in the office after lunch." 
> 
> Moral of the story:  Always let your boss have the first say.
> 
> 
> Corporate Lesson #4 
> 
> A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold
> the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it was
> lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
> As the frozen bird lay there miserably in the pile of cow dung,
> it began to realize how warm it was.  the dung was actually thawing 
him
> out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for 
joy.
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
> of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> 
> Moral of the story:
> Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
> Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend 
> An d when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth
> shut!




 When men have urges--- 
contributed by Lim Heng Tin of Sarawak
dated on 4-11-04

Subject: FW: When men have urges....


This new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post
in the african desert. 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why
the camel is kept there. 

The nervous sergeant said "Well, sir, as you
know, there are 250 men here on the post ..... and no women. And sir,
sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel. "

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls his
pants
down,and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

no ...... not really, sir," ... " They usually just ride the camel
into town where the girls are."



Moral of the story: If not SURE, ASK ASK and ASK AGAIN. Never take
anything for granted.





  Old Virgin 
contributed by Pecker of MH3
dated on 4-11-04




A 99 year old Japanese woman 
was found dead 

but was confirmed still 
VIRGIN. 

her name was 








"Takasimasuk"
 Malay language: It means " Don't let ( it ) in "

  





					






 Psychiatrist
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 18-10-04

"Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him "Bastard".

Sometimes I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves the title."

"Hmm..such a word is too strong and rude to call a person. But maybe you

have your own reasons to call him that. Tell me about it so that I can help

you."

"Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides

the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand..."

"Did he hold your hand like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now"

"If its only this, he doesnt deserve to be called "Bastard". That means he

doesnt want to separate from you."

"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged my shoulder..."

"Was he as this close to you and did he hug you like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're close to and hugging me now"

"Its not a Bastard. That means he wanna stay forever by your side"

"Then he kissed me..."

"Did he kiss you like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. He kissed me just exactly like how you're kissing me now."

"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you cant call him "Bastard". That

means he adores you."

"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobie, Doc..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor... he did it like that"

"Its not a behaviour of a bastard. It means he protects you"

"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... "

"Did you resist?"

"No. Instead, I let him do it, coz I love him..."

"Did he took off your clothes like this ?"

"Yes, Doctor. Until Im completely naked like now......"

"He still doesnt deserve to be called "Bastard, because it means he wanna

learn about your body completely"

"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me..."

"........., .............., .............., ........."

"Did he do it just like what we did just now?"

"Yes, Doctor. exactly the same"

"You cant still call him Bastard. It means he needs you."

"But then he told me that he has AIDS"

"Damn!!!!! @$&^$&*%#)(&$)(#*@_(# BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!!!!!"

All the staff outside were shocked to hear the doctor screaming......





Au Kiat's Bed For Sale
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 08-10-04


Hi All I'm.....selling something!!!! I'm in a bit of bind - I've just ordered a bed from the internet... problem is that my room is not that big and I misjudged the size of the bed compared to the size of the gap it had to fit in but I can't send it back for some reason. If you know of anyone else who might be interested please forward this on as I'd like to sell it ASAP. I haven't named a price but if you're interested let me know. Picture attached ... 




      

        

 

From:  "Au Kait" au_kait@yahoo.com

Date: Fri, 8 Oct 2004 01:25:54 -0700 (PDT)

Hasheditor holds no responsibility for the sale, please contact owner directly.

Date: 09-10-2004
 


MISCOMMUNICATION
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 09-08-04

 

From:Au Kait 
Sent: Monday, August 09, 2004 1:49 AM
Subject: MISCOMMUNICATION



Dear 
All,.......................a shameful MISCOMMUNICATION............guys make sure 
to ............. 

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her 
arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're 
going to have a baby!The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for 
sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone 
call from TNB (Tenaga Nasional Berhad) because the electricity bill has not been 
paid.   
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? " 
"Yes...... speaking" TNB guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU 
know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the TNB 
guy ."What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes 
............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue " " GOD 
!!!!!!......... this is too much.........." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am 
following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ....... let 
me talk to my husband about this tonight. ... he will speak to your company 
tomorrow 
" That night, she tells her husband about 
the visit, and >he, mad as a bull, rushes to TNB office the next day morning. 
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? 
 What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. 
"Just calm down," says the lady at the 
reception at TNB, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." 
"PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in 
that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." What would my wife do 
then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." -- 



home
 

S.H.I.T
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 06-08-04

		
					

	



> >>Memo to all employees:
> >>
> >>In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and 
productivity
> >>from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well 
trained
> >>through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).
> >>
> >>
> >>We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.  
If
you
> >>feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, 
please
> >>see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of 
the
> >>S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing 
you
get
> >>all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
> >>
> >>Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in 
DEPARTMENTAL
> >>EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
> >>
> >>Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
> >>EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
> >>Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they 
don't
> >>have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.  
If you
> >>are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.
> >>We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
> >>(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
> >>
> >>For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management 
and
> >>consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL
> >>RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).  This course emphasizes how 
to
> >>manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
> >>
> >>If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING,
> >>SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
> >>
> >>
> >>Thank you,
> >>
> >>BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
> >>(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
> >>
> >>
> >>P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their 
life,
> >>just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have 
already
had
> >>their fill of S.H.I.T.
> >>
> >>Thank you for your time. !
> >>Sincerely,
> >>
> >>The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity 
Training.
> >>(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).




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Computer Users over 50
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 07-07-04

							
					

	


> > A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50
> >
> > A Computer was something on TV
> > From a science fiction show of note
> > A Window was something you hated to clean
> > And Ram was the father of a goat.
> >
> > Meg was the name of my girlfriend
> > And Gig was a job for the night
> > Now they all mean different things
> > And that really Mega Bytes.
> >
> > An Application was for employment
> > A Program was a TV show
> > A Cursor used profanity
> > A Keyboard was a piano.
> >
> > A Memory was something that you lost with age
> > A CD was a bank account
> > And if you had a 3-inch floppy
> > You hoped nobody found out.
> >
> > Compress was something you did to the garbage
> > Not something you did to a file
> > And if you Unzipped anything in public
> > You'd be in jail for a while.
> >
> > Log On was adding wood to the fire
> > Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
> > A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
> > And a Backup happened to your commode.
> >
> > Cut's what you did with a pocket knife
> > Paste you did with glue
> > A Web was a spider's home
> > And a Virus was the flu.
> >
> > I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
> > And the Memory in my head.
> > I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
> > But when it happens they wish they were dead.







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What I want in a man - A woman's wish list -
contributed by Au Kait
dated on 14-06-04



"What I want in a Man - a Woman's wish-list" 
()



What I want in a Man - The original List:
  1. 
Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially successful
  4. 
A caring listener
  5. Witty
  6. In good shape
  7. 
Dresses with style
  8. Appreciates finer things
  9. Full of 
thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in 
a Man,
Revised List (age 32)
  1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his 

head)
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money 
for a nice dinner
  4. Listens more than talks
  5. Laughs at my 
jokes
  6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
  7. Owns at 
least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  9. 
Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a 
week

What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 42)
  1. Not too 
ugly (bald head OK)
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the 
car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  4. 
Nods head when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers punch lines of 
jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne 
with screw-top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. 
Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 
52)
  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  2. Doesn't belch 
or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. 
Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  5. Doesn't retell the same 
joke too many times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on 
weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
  9. Remembers your name on 
occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man,
Revised 
List (age 62)
  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers 
where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
  5. Remembers why he's 
laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  
7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. 
Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the 
weekend

What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 72)
  1. 
Breathing
  2. Doesn't miss the toilet

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Management Case Studies
contributed by ex member,Oil Man Lim of Sarawak
dated on 04-06-04


> > Management Case Study No.1 
> 
> > The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and 
the Doctor 
> > told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. 
> > 
> > The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was 
very bored, 
> > so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The 
farmer told 
> > him to clean the shit of the cows. 
> 
>The farmer thought that to 
> > somebody coming from the city, working the whole life 
sitting in an 
> > office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to 
his 
> > surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. 

> > 
> > The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more 
difficult job: to 
> > cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the 
manager 
> > will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day 
the job was 
> > done. 
> > 
> > The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were 
done, the 
> > farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two 
boxes: 
> > one box with small potatoes, and one box with big 
potatoes.  At the 
> > end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting 
in front 
> > of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. 
> > 
> > The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you did such 
difficult 
> > jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this 
simple job?" 
> > The manager 
> > answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and 
dealing with 
> > shit, but now you ask me to make decisions!" 
> > 
> > 
> > Management Case Study No.2 
> > 
> > A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner 
points to 
> > three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the 
parrot on 
> > the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so 
much," asks 
> > the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how 
to use a 
> > computer". 
> > 
> > The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that 
this one 
> > costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other 
parrot can 
> > do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. 
> > 
> > Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the 
third Parrot 
> > to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say 
this begs the 
> > question, "What can it do?" 
> > 
> > To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never 
seen it 
> > do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"


Contributed by Oil Man Lim Heng Tin on 04-06-04 for your reading pleasure



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What should you do?
This is a problem for your brain twisting.

There is a night, raining heavily,and you are driving a small two seater sports car passing by a bus stop.

In the bus stop shelter, there is a doctor who is your good friend, a very sickly old man dying, and a pretty 
woman once your lover who is not in touch for quite some time for a certain reason.

You can only pick up one person, Whom shall you give a lift?

Suggestions:-

May be you should :-

1. Pick up the old man who is dying to the hospital.

or may be

2. Pick up the doctor who is your good friend.

or may be

3. Pick up your pretty lover and forget about the rest.

Please click " answer " below to compare what you thought.

answer 

Translated from China Press on 25-05-04 for your reading pleasure

By Websitekang


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Survival Guides for Foreign Visitors
contributed by Lim of Sunday HHH
dated on 14-05-04
Good advices to give your foreign friends..... (I think)
 

 

Lesson 1
 



You have just landed in KL International Airport and the first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend.
 



If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?".
 



If you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the standard 


greeting is "Eh, where are you?" 


 

 

Lesson 2 


 

Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you from the airport.
 

 

He said "Give me half an hour...", be prepared to wait at least one and a half hours.
 

 

This is probably your first encounter with Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch. Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add another hour, and you won't go wrong.
 






Lesson 3
 



You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take a cab from the airport.
 



You'll soon realize that the one-way taxi fare is more expensive than a night's stay at most decent hotels. 


 

 

Lesson 4 




If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you want to try some Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a good place for Thai food. I 

 

f you encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi, hotel lobby or street corner it usually means a lady who charges you a fee in exchange for pleasure.
 

 

 

Lesson 5 


 

If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will definitely introduce you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur, Bangsar.
 Believe me, there are other more interesting places to shop, eat and drink. 



And by the way, get the pronunciation right!
 

 

It's "Bar-ngsar" not "Bang-sar" as in "Bangkok". 

 

 

Lesson 6 


 

Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to know that Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the white men's invasion. 




Some of the local Indians you meet there try their very best to look and behave like the blacks in the US. Complete with rapper's hair cut, shades and customary "Yo! What's up motherxxxx?" greeting, you would probably think that you're right in the middle of Harlem. 



But remember this important warning: 


 

Don't ever call them blacks, even though their sole purpose in is to look and sound like the blacks. They become extremely hostile if you refer to them as blacks! 


I can never figure this out but don't say I didn't warn you. 


 

 

Lesson 7
 

 

Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"? 


 

About a hundred years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a common sight in the Port Klang area. 


 

The locals used to call them "Mad Sailors". 

 

Somehow, it got corrupted into the Malay name "Mat Salleh".
 

The Chinese will still call you "Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". 


To the more polite Hokkiens you're a "Ang Moh" or "Red Hair". 


 

 

Lesson 8 


 

If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a Chinese meal like  "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as much as you can. You'll never gonna get it anywhere else. Not even in China, Taiwan or Hong Kong.
 

 

There's another Malaysian invention, the "Yee Sang" or raw fish salad (served during the Chinese New Year).
 

 

Before I forget, if you're not the adventurous type, avoid ordering "spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut Teh", unless you fancy all the internal parts of a pig. 


 

 

Lesson 9
 


When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the disposable tissue packet as loud as you can.
 

 

Don't worry, nobody will get annoyed.
 

 

Usually, at the end of a ten course dinner, there'll be one "Big Bang" as everybody "pop" theirs. In order to express your appreciation to your generous host, remember to throw in a loud belch as well.
 


 

Although it may be normal in your own country, don't ask the waiter for a separate bill (check). Either you pay for everything or just keep your mouth (and wallet) shut. 


 

If you feel bad about it, offer to pay the next time.
 


Anyway, don't worry too much about it as most locals know that most Mat 


Sallehs are "stingy buggers"... 




Lesson 10 


 

Don't like to be a stingy Mat Salleh? Take your friends to a Mamak (mother in Malay) "fish-head curry" restaurant. 


 

Order the prawns and the crabs as well. Be totally reckless, don't ask about the prices and don't check your bill as well. I guarantee you'll find a big hole. The one in your pocket, not the ones you're always chasing in Bangsar. 


 
Whether you're in a five-star hotel or at a roadside stall, always ask for the "bill". Nobody will understand when you say "check" or "tab".
 
 

Need a paper napkin or serviette? 




Just say "tishoo". 


 

 

Lesson 11 


 

Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at the "fun pubs" and discos.
 

 

That's the night when most club operators get rid of all their stale and unwanted alcohol. 


They mix it into some strange cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. 


 

Ladies' Night is actually Men's Night! 


 

That's the time when all the predatory "buayas" (crocodiles) go out in full force.
 

 

Stick to normal nights, you'll find less competition.
 

 

If you're a lady, stay away from the "buayas" and the free drinks (unless it's pouring brands).
 



 

Lesson 12 




Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD set of "The Titanic" that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000 specifications. C'mon, what can you buy for US $3 back home? Besides, you should listen to your own government and not buy pirated stuff. But from what I see at Imbi Plaza, pewter and batik are no longer the favorite souvenirs.
 

 

By the way, when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out another distinguished landmark of Malaysia; the world's first and only permanently static escalator. 


 

 
Lesson 13
 

 

Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come across any road accidents. 


 

They are not being cautious nor are they intending to give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of that ever important "Nombor". Even if the number (license) plate is broken into a million pieces, the passerbys will patiently re-assemble it just to obtain that "lucky" 
number. Then, it's off to the 4D betting shops. 

 

If the numbers don't come this way, they do some quick interpretation of their dreams through the handy Chinese Dream Book. It looks like a Clip Art Visual Catalog. 


 

Nightmares are included as well.... 


by Lim of Sunday HHH

Date: 14-05-04

 
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Au Kait's method of eye testing for cataracts.

You test at your own risk, Webmaster and MH3 are not responsible for the accuracy of the test.

Date: 08-05-04



At the bottom 
of the page is the link for the eye test.  Follow 
instructions.
 


 

  

  

As you know,  December is National Eye Care month.  Do yourself 
a favor 
  and take this simple vision test.  It's an early test for 
cataracts. 
  It is simple to do and it's fun.  Remember, cataracts 
know no age 
  boundary; young and old can have this "preventable" 
eye disease.  
   
 . 

Click here 
  to take eye test
  
 



How Viruses attack your P C , Page 1 of 1

Contributed by Au Kait , member of Malacca H3.

Date: 20-2-04




  
  
  


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Photos: contributed by Lee Peck Seng, " The Pecker "


 Script: by Website Kang

 
Date: 08-01-2004



Dragon Tiger Fried Chicken, Page 1 of 1



  
  
  


A returning hasher from Southern China came to describe a dish called " Dragon Tiger Fried Chicken "
on their " On On " table. The dish was so delicious, the taste of the chicken was better than the meat
of virgin chicken, the skin was so crispy and the meat so smooth that the moment it entered your mouth
, it would just flow down through your throat. It really makes your mouth watery by the look of the photos above.

The owner of the restaurant was kind enough to allow him to the kitchen to take photos of how the food was 
prepared, but said that the ingradients might be difficult to get elsewhere.

If you are interested in the recipe and cooking method, please click on the " cooking method ". 

However, hasheditor recommends you leave it as it is, but if your curiosity prevails, you may click
at your own risk!






cooking method



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High Tech! Made In China , Page 1 of 1

Contributed by Lim , member of Sunday H3.

Please click to enlarge image




  
  
  








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